“In my life right now, I feel like its constricting me. Like asthma, a feeling I know all too well…I am suffocating here. Never thought I’d say that about Colorado.” March of 2021 marks one year of mandates, masks, and restrictions, and I pound on my computer’s keyboard during a journaling rant. “I need air…And I need it quick. That’s why I’m going to Florida…I’m desperate for normal. For breath. Let me breathe.”

               After four blissful April days of beachcombing, tanning my pasty winter skin in a seemingly perpetual state of college spring break, relishing in the abundance of American flags, sailing pristine seas, and salsa dancing into wee morning hours with some local Cubans, I know. My next chapter awaits in Florida. I question whether I possess the inner strength to take such a risk.

               Shortly after my return from vacation, I begin six months of adamant prayer, fervent research, and countless hours agonizing over the decision with friends who recently underwent similar situations. I beg God for signs, and although He consistently tries to get the point across, a dream comes to me in the recesses of the night, pressing its way into my daily thoughts afterwards, permeating my monotonous routines like a mysterious but familiar scent in the air that you can’t quite place. In this brief but poignant dream, His answer bluntly surges forth:

               “You’re waiting on God to move. But in reality, He is waiting on you to move.” That’s it? That’s my sign? Can I have another sign? Just to be sure?!

Although not the way I anticipate, He sends more direction. Doors began shutting in every arena, like a house full of guests at Christmastime who filter upstairs to bed, one by one, and silence quiet as winter’s first snow descends. Projects roll up like completed scrolls, my career shifts, and my inner creative landscape resembles something along a desolate, desert highway on a July day in Utah. Circumstances shift politically, financially, emotionally, relationally, socially, and spiritually to name a few.

Although Fort Collins provided a very privileged, blessed, full life…Refusing to begin a new chapter appointed by God results in stagnation. Familiarity. A little too much comfort. Perhaps even boredom, contempt, stifled creativity, and out-of-sync timing, stunted like a rootbound plant. I cling to a few precious shreds of “reasons to stay,” well-acquainted with the security of my job, guarantees of routine, and dependability of my lifestyle.

Rick Renner describes this transition in his book, The Point of No Return, “The truth is, we find out just how serious we really are about fulfilling God’s call on our life when we have to give up some things…What do you say to Him when He tells you to leave behind job security, health insurance, and annual pay increases?” He further explains, “Whenever we are misplaced in what we are doing, we will experience frustration, heartache, disappointment, failure, and even depression. We’ll always be wondering, ‘Why am I so unhappy and unfulfilled?’”

Exhausted from resisting His call, within a twenty-four hour period, I say yes. I accept a job at a prestigious boat club along the Gulf Coast. I email my supervisor to resign from my healthcare position of sixteen years. I reserve temporary housing. I begin sorting out details for my Colorado home. I say yes. To God. To my dream. The call. A future. Creativity. Freedom. Adventure. Relationships. His plan. His purpose. A chance to thrive. A new job. Joy. Wealth. Prosperity. I determine to transform the glass ceiling I currently pound upon into the floor I would stand upon. I say yes to a life of faith, rather than dependence upon the comfort of my current situation.

Waves of nausea and a terrified uneasiness churn wildly, as tearful goodbyes ensue throughout the following chaotic days filled with boxes, packing tape, incessant phone calls, paperwork, flights, and leaky faucets. During workouts, I keep pace to a playlist chocked full of techno music, momentarily offering slight relief:

“Put a glass box around her,

And she’ll break the glass.

If you try to cage her in,

She’ll light the match.

…Its in her blood.

She’ll turn every chain

Into dust

Into dust…”

- Into Dust by Paris Blohm, Elle Vee

Three weeks later, I blaze down the highway with my SUV packed to the brim, wind whistling through bike racks, Kansas rain outdoing the windshield wipers, and a narrow tunnel of visibility out my back window- heading for a city I technically never visited, where I know no one.

I begin my new life. Designed by hand, purposefully created, and chosen, rather than circling like a dog chasing its tail, stuck in circumstances by default. I launch into the maritime industry, beginning work at a local boat club. I explore local churches, jazz clubs, salsa venues, restaurants, museums, and begin forming new God-given friendships, while approaching other new acquaintances with caution.

My new city deeply engraves a new level of street smarts into the core of my being, reveals matters of the heart still requiring His healing touch, and painfully forges new heights of trust in His provision. Old wounds tied to my situation in Colorado begin to heal. I feel my soul blooming again, coming alive again. Pursuing the arts. Going out again. Living my life. Breathing. Thriving. Growing. Mending. Moving forward. Living in the free state of Florida, unchained from mandates and lockdowns, at last I live again.

Two months on the other side of such a momentous undertaking, a few thoughts come to mind on courageously conquering new chapters dauntingly looming ahead.

1. Things fell into place once I began moving forward: Finances remained blocked until I began taking steps ahead. A new job didn’t fall into my lap- I began applying to positions that looked fun. Manpower and resources began appearing once I started taking charge of the decision to change my situation. Nothing moved until I moved.

2. Its supposed to be (sometimes extremely) uncomfortable: That’s the point. That’s where growth occurs, stagnation ends, and adventure begins! If a gym trainer consistently assigns easy workouts, we never build muscle!

3. There will be “days:” Days spent missing old landscapes, friends, and family. Days when nothing seems to come together, despite everything falling into place under His hand. Glitches, snags, frustrations, a longing for something familiar, or even wishfully thinking of “going back” because it feels easier.

4. Some people just don’t get it: Refuse to hand another person the power to determine your God-given destiny. We answer to Him, rather than those who lack an understanding of our dreams, or those who feel bothered by our upward movement.

5. In risk, lies reward: When we step out and honor the vision He’s asking us to pursue, tremendous reward awaits. As C.S. Lewis describes, “There are far better things ahead than any we leave behind.” When moving forward with Him, we trade upwards, exchanging past thresholds for something even greater. Attempting to stay put in spite of His beckoning call is like trying to use yesterday’s already burnt fuel in a wood stove for today.

While packing up my Colorado home, a scribbly green sticky note fluttered from pages of a book, “The Dream Giver.” It read, “Stepping through fear is a small price tag for a big dream.” Wherever you desire to step out, to quote Amanda Francis in her book, “Rich As F*ck,” I encourage you “To break the mold, defy the odds, give a middle finger to the doubt that lives inside of you, and design your f***ing life.”

Seven months ago, I first heard the song “Love My Life” by Robbie Williams. I felt heartsick over how far my current situation dwelt from embodying the words. Although in this world we experience heartache, loss, and struggle, I encourage you to pursue your dreams, and design a life you love, that makes you come alive. I will leave you with these lyrics:

I cannot promise there won’t be sadness

I wish I could take it from you

But you’ll find the courage to face the madness

And sing it because its true

I love my life

I am powerful

I am beautiful

I am free

I love my life

I am wonderful

I am magical

I am me

I love my life.

- "Love My Life" by Robbie Williams

           Thank you to all who made this move possible. They say it takes a village to raise a child, but I'm convinced it also takes a village to help a person move. For all the support, help, and inspiration- I could not have done it without the collaborative efforts of all those who believed in my dreams almost as much, if not more, than I did. You helped me set sail. Love, Hannah